11:11 Make Allies Not Enemies: Handling Conflict with Compassion
In a dispute, the words that you use will determine whether a conflict ends in a win-win solution or an unwinnable battle of blame.
Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing. Life-alienating communication is rooted in views of human nature that have exerted their influence for several centuries. These views stress humans’ innate evil and deficiency, and a need for education to control our inherently undesirable nature. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication
Non-violent communication helps you to convey any message without harm.
In the process of manifesting your ideal outcomes, you’re bound to face challenges with others who may see a situation quite differently than you do. Most people avoid it at all costs, but conflict does not need to end in hurt. When handled skilfully, a frank disagreement can be clarifying, productive and non-harming. By learning a simple and compassionate communication model, you can resolve tense encounters without provoking the emotional pain usually associated with conflict.
Conflict arises between two or more people when someone in the equation has needs that are not being met. These issues are rarely addressed, however, despite the fact that unmet needs are the root cause of why we become unhappy with each other. Instead of identifying everyone’s feelings and needs and working toward amicable solutions, the parties typically begin a battle of blame, which is as soul crushing as it is unwinnable.
When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
While you may not consider the way you talk to be “violent,” if you think in terms of winning or losing a dispute, the words you use are likely to cause hurt feelings. What may sound like a factual assessment of a situation to you can land like scathing criticism on them. If you use words that imply guilt, humiliation, shame, blame, coercion or threats, you can guarantee that your forcefulness will be met with an equal and opposite reactive force. When someone feels threatened, defense and counterattack are a natural, predictable and even logical response.
While it’s natural to feel emotional pain when things don’t go your way, it’s important to remember that you can never restore your peace of mind by trying to change someone else. Believing that another is at fault and should therefore change or be punished is the root cause of all violence. Collecting evidence of someone’s “wrongness” is toxic; it poisons your body, mind and spirit as it ruins your relationships. You may win an argument by projecting fear, guilt, shame, or coercion, but it’s a net loss. It’s a hollow victory that causes you to suffer as much as the one who has given in.
The more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
Empathy Dissolves Tension
What to do instead of blaming? Try empathy. Start with yourself. Allow the feelings and unmet needs to rise to the surface. Empathy is both a kindness and a connection that inspires friendlier feelings in all concerned. By honoring the feelings of both parties, even in the midst of a heated disagreement, you can resolve conflict without resorting to violence in thought, word or deed. Whenever you listen carefully to someone’s perspective without interrupting (a challenge, I know!) you are expressing your overall care and respect for them, even though you may be at odds at the moment.
By framing the discussion as an appeal to discover the feelings and meet the needs of both parties rather than in terms of who wins and who loses, it becomes a brainstorming session, not a fight. Be crystal clear: The purpose of hearing and acknowledging another’s point of view is to respectfully assure them of your understanding, not necessarily your agreement.
If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
Understanding the unmet needs that underpin any tricky situation will make win-win outcomes much more likely, but be sure never to assume what’s in someone else’s heart or on their mind. Stay as neutral as possible and ask clarifying questions. Start sentences with Sounds like you feel… or Perhaps you need… allowing them to correct or clarify your best guess in their response. In this way, you will get to the heart of the matter instead of projecting stress onto someone by blaming, judging or demanding. Getting curious about how unmet needs may be contributing to the snafu, and how those needs can be satisfied in mutually agreeable ways, equips you to resolve any interpersonal obstacles to living your dream in harmony with others.
How to Handle Conflict with Compassion:
Plan it out and rehearse until it feels natural. Express your observation of the conflict without evaluation or judgment. Avoid any “loaded” statements that you know are “triggering.” Instead, neutrally describe what you observe, deleting any critical, judgmental or “hot button” words or phrases that may provoke defensiveness.
These are the steps in communicating both directly and compassionately:
Describe what you observe.
Express what you feel in relation to what you observe.
Tell them what you need or value that evokes those feelings.
Make a request (not a demand) for the concrete actions you would like taken by the other party.
It may feel awkward speaking this way at first, but that’s only because you’ve been ingrained with battle language. Over time, practicing it will reorient how you think about complex or conflicted situations. By focusing on needs and feelings and acquiring the tools to express yourself effectively you will naturally adopt a more peaceful mindset and no longer feel trepidation at the notion of conflict.
Below is the nonviolent communication template that can improve all of your relationships. Mentally fill in the blanks whenever you’re tempted to judge, blame or punish someone. Rehearse it in your head until it feels natural before communicating with someone. Over time, you will show yourself how well it works, and it will gradually overwrite the “battle language” we were all raised with that keeps conflict alive.
When I see that______________(describe what you observe)
I feel ______________________(express how you feel)
because my need for ________________ is/is not met. (what you value)
Would you be willing to __________________?(make a request)
All criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message. The more we practice in this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we've allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
Katie, I learned this lesson the hard way for sure, but I can't thank you enough for teaching it to me.
I won't forget it.