Busy Solving Problems You Didn’t Cause?
Before Rescuing, Soothing or Advising, Just Listen
Your wisdom, empathy and desire to help makes you a trusted resource that people turn to in times of trouble, Sensitive Soul. Your strong instinct to protect, console and help can make you feel responsible for the problems caused by the people you love. But when you try to solve a problem that you didn’t create and are not authorized to fix, your attention to the difficulty actually helps keep it in place.
Even though you may know logically that you can’t rescue a loved one from the consequences of their choices, you may try anyway, because feeling their distress is uncomfortable for you. Fixing, rescuing or soothing are all attempts to avoid these painful feelings that actually end up exacerbating them.
Staying busy with someone else’s problem exaggerates it.
Solving someone else’s problem deprives them of the self respect that comes with overcoming their own difficulties.
Fixing, soothing or rescuing relieves the problem’s owner of the need to be responsible.
Whose Problem Is It, Anyway?
There’s a tendency for Sensitive Souls to jump in at the first hint of distress, before fully knowing what the problem is and who “owns” it. At best, this confuses the issue. At worst, it causes an even bigger problem. If you rely on your initial feelings, you may assign the problem to the wrong person and rush to judgment. Determining who owns the problem is the first step toward responding compassionately instead of over- or under-reacting to situations.
Knowing whose problem it is helps you decide which communication tools to use that will promote the most benevolent outcome:
Use I-messages when it’s your problem.
Use Active Listening when it’s their problem.
If what someone is doing or saying has a direct negative effect on your ability to function or directly blocks your needs, then you own the problem. It calls for an “I-message” from you to them about what their behavior is, how it tangibly affects you and how you feel about it.
For example, “When you watch TV in our bedroom at night, I feel frustrated because I can’t fall asleep. Will you help me brainstorm solutions?”
A clear, non-blameful message from you about how their behavior is negatively affecting you avoids judgment, allows for the other to take responsibility and makes problem solving more likely than finger pointing.
I-messages clearly describe the behavior, how it impacts you and requests cooperation from your listener. The absence of judgment or blame makes defensiveness, resistance and resentment less likely and productive solutions more likely.
When you own the problem, communicate an I-message:
Describe the situation.
Express your feelings.
Ask for help to resolve the problem.
On the other hand, if what someone is doing or saying directly affects only them, they own the problem. Then, you can best assist them in taking responsibility for solving their own problems by practicing Active Listening: listening for the meaning beneath their words, using your eyes, ears, mind and heart. When you listen actively, you make room in your heart, your mind and your belief system to deeply listen and truly understand another; you willingly choose to suspend your own opinions long enough to hear another person with your ears, your eyes, your mind and your heart.
Even though you may be speaking the same language as your conversation partner, remember that you perceive words, ideas and events from a unique point of view. The words you choose may convey a very different meaning, depending upon who is doing the listening. What you feel you’ve clearly stated may be interpreted entirely differently by another. Similarly, you may react to someone’s words as if you were under attack, when that was not their intent.
To fully grasp the meaning beneath a speaker’s words means that you see, hear, think and feel their message; you suspend any noisy inner dialogue and shift into a more quiet, receptive mental state. To listen actively, you have to relinquish the goal of agreeing, disagreeing or stating your own opinion in favor of offering pure support. Active Listening is a rare and precious gift you can offer that empowers the speaker to process emotions unburdened by your feelings about the situation. This unbiased support creates space where they can begin solving their own challenges and release their dependence on sources outside of themselves.
Tolerating your own discomfort long enough to listen with your full attention can be difficult and therefore takes practice. Here’s an example of a dialogue using Active Listening:
Lisa: I had a fight with my sister and we haven't spoken since. I'm upset and I don't know who to talk to.
Jodie: That’s stressful! Tell me more about what happened?
Lisa: Well, we were arguing about what to do for our parents' anniversary. I'm still so angry.
Jodie: Wow. Sounds like you’re really frustrated and upset that you couldn’t work it out with her and you're not speaking because of it.
Lisa: Yeah. She just makes me so mad! She assumed I would help her plan this elaborate party—I don't have time! It's like she couldn't see things from my perspective at all. She’s assuming I have as much free time as she does.
Jodie: Sounds like you didn’t feel heard.
Lisa: That’s why I’m so frustrated! Angry, actually. Maybe a bit guilty too, that she had all these plans, I was the one holding them back, and I hadn’t even remembered it was their anniversary! Finally, I told her to do it without me. But that's not right either. I feel really bad about that. I can’t do that because it's for our parents.
Jodie: Sounds complicated. I imagine you may need some more time to sort out how you feel about it before talking to your sister.
Lisa: Yes, I guess I do. Thanks for listening, I really just needed to vent.
Notice Jodie’s receptiveness. Her responses neutrally echo Lisa’s statements back to her. They’re free of blame, judgment or the need to take sides. They presume Lisa’s competence at handling the situation and so there’s no need for advising, consoling or rescuing.
This focused but neutral way of listening actively is conveyed elegantly in the ancient Chinese character that stands for the concept of listening. A single stroke representing the need for focused attention lies at the center of the symbol. Combined with the four figures that mean mind, ears, eyes and heart, it conveys the essential elements of Active Listening.
When faced with a problem, pause. First decide who owns the problem. If it’s yours, use an I-message to describe the offending behavior, communicate how you feel about it and how it affects you. Then ask for help solving it. If someone else owns the problem, take the time to carefully, lovingly and gently listen with your full attention. Resist the temptation to interrupt, argue or react. Wait until the message is complete, then reflect back what you heard.
Your willingness to listen deeply, understand and acknowledge another’s point of view is a healing balm that defuses conflict and encourages responsibility. Active Listening conserves your energy and enables the problem’s owner to own it.
Most people only listen long enough to formulate a response, but if you want to help heal heartaches both big and small, Sensitive Soul, just listen.
https://www.revkatiegrace.com
If your sensitivity is disrupting your peace,
If your emotional reactions cause conflict in your relationships,
If you’ve never learned to nurture yourself,
Sign up for Self Care for Sensitive Soul 3-month coaching program to get the support and the consistent mental health care you need to thrive, Sensitive Soul.