From Sensitive to Sovereign
The Path of Radical Self Responsibility Awakens the Creative Power of Love
Do not give your attention to what others do or fail to do;
give it to what you do or fail to do.~ Buddha
The Sensitive Souls that consult with me for spiritual life coaching tend to fall into two broad categories: The Mavericks and The Pleasers. Both types are gifted with a well-developed sensitivity to energy and are highly tuned to the emotions of others. The Pleasers survived the vulnerabilities and traumas of childhood by pleasing parents and other powerful figures, while the Mavericks survived by opposing or defying authority.
If you’re a Maverick under stress, you will typically react by arguing, defying or disappearing, while a Pleaser will tend to conform to the expectations of others or sacrifice their needs in an attempt to keep everyone happy. A reaction to the stress of childhood fears, rigid self images like the Maverick and the Pleaser become “hard wired” into your character at an early stage of development, so you naturally think: That’s just how I am. But it’s important to remember that this self-image was created by an immature version of you in reaction to difficult circumstances that no longer exist. This childhood “hard wiring” can trigger dysfunctional reactions when stimulated by similar events later in life. These reactions, largely unconscious and automatic, limit your perspective to that of a wounded child and can create inner and outer conflicts that get in the way of your happiness.
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths,
but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. ~ Anne Frank
As children, we lack the experience and power to make important decisions that affect our lives. We are entirely dependent on and subject to our flawed parents and caregivers for survival. To keep ourselves safe and get our basic needs met, we invent various strategies to help us adapt to our environment, including taking on roles like The Pleaser or The Maverick. While these coping mechanisms may have been useful for surviving the challenges of childhood, they can become counterproductive in adulthood. When they’ve outlived their usefulness, these habits tend to cause chronic anxiety and stress as well as repetitive conflict in personal relationships.
You’re an adult now. The domestication process is complete. You possess knowledge, experience and support today that was unavailable to you when you were a child. You were resilient and resourceful enough to have survived the trials and tribulations of childhood. Now, you’re in charge of your life. You have the capacity to choose new, effective, and more flexible ways of being, instead of reacting to life from immature habits formed in childhood.
Most people have learned to correct the problems they face by focusing obsessively on the problem, trying to figure out who or what is to blame, and then taking action to change the outer situation. Trying to control or correct everything that’s “wrong,” a Sensitive Soul can get overwhelmed by complexity and feel alienated, exhausted or short tempered. Repeatedly feeling victimized by outer circumstances, and believing themselves incapable of meaningful change, a Sensitive Soul can unknowingly stay stuck in reactions formed in the past that contribute to unnecessary suffering in the present.
You can get what you want or you can just get old. ~ Billy Joel
A Sovereign Soul flips the script on past narratives and instead faces a problem by taking responsibility for how their thoughts, words and actions may have contributed to the problem. They neutralize obstacles to their happiness by making changes in their approach, not by proving another person’s wrongdoing. They thrive in life by applying a learning mindset to tricky situations rather than adopting a good/bad, right/wrong or success/failure paradigm. They take charge of their thoughts and focus attention on outcomes they’d prefer, taking the necessary steps and making the incremental changes along the way that create lasting positive change. They move confidently in the direction of what they desire, trusting a benevolent universe to match their positive energy, thereby co-creating positive effects in their outer circumstances.
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.
~ William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
It may seem illogical or unjust to take radical responsibility for problems that you perceive as someone else’s fault, but making accusations keeps your awareness nailed to the misdeeds of others. Favorably influencing outward circumstances can be accomplished, not by controlling others, but by shifting your inner perspective to a more expansive awareness of the situation at hand.
Being willing to remove your attention from the spectacle of outer appearances and focus it inward toward honestly assessing your responsibility takes an intentional pivot from your typical reaction and a whole lot of practice. It takes real courage to challenge beliefs you’ve held onto since before you reached the age of reason. By making peace with your parents’ flaws, you become the authority figure in your life, free to live your purpose unencumbered by the past. You begin to live from the soul’s perspective of love, and align your actions with the highest good of all concerned. You act wisely when you maintain conscious dominion over your thoughts, words and actions and direct them toward creating a life you love.
Most people say things like, I don’t like what you’re doing; you should change.
A Sovereign Soul says, I don’t like what you’re doing; how shall I change?
Outer circumstances may seem limiting. Other people may seem to present immovable obstacles to you enjoying peace of mind. The world may indeed be going to hell in a handbasket, but if you know how to listen from the heart, and awaken the creative power of love, the sovereign nature of your soul will express itself out loud and guide you to dance joyfully with mystery and co-create with chance.
The blessings of life become wildly apparent as we soften into the power of love, which makes the art of radical self-responsibility that much more emancipating.
~ Darryn Silver, LCSW, Transformational Breath Facilitator & Integration Specialist
The journey from Sensitive Soul to Sovereign Soul begins with a willingness to challenge fossilized beliefs through sincere self-reflection. When you quit complaining and judging others, you start to intentionally walk the narrow path of radical self responsibility. With practice, you’ll free up bundles of stagnant energy that can be redirected to accomplishing inner transformation or attaining outer goals. As a Sovereign Soul, you will discover that you can rise above your problems and thrive in life without making anyone else wrong.
Imagine the quality of your life when the need to be right has been overcome. Picture yourself surrendering the impulse to enlighten, educate or punish someone to your higher power. Imagine all efforts at changing or controlling other flawed human beings dissolving into mutual compassion. Envision yourself forgiving everyone for their humanity while also claiming your agency to act in your own best interest and in the best interest of others. If you’re having trouble being the lighthearted, free, and sovereign being you were born to be, reach out. In future newsletters, I’ll be sharing the wisdom and healing modalities of holistic practitioners who can also guide you as together we build an empowered Circle of Sovereign Souls.
Rise above your circumstances, change the world one person at a time starting with you, and be the inspiration you've been searching for. ~ Lindsey Stirling
I shared this with several psychotherapy clients who found it sooo helpful- ty!