Life Enriching Communication

We Become Unhappy with Others When Our Needs Aren’t Met

Photo by Claudio Schwarz@Unsplash

While we may not consider the way we talk to be “violent,” words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or ourselves. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg

Road blocks. Setbacks. Conflict. When things don’t go our way, we feel emotional pain. To soothe our discomfort, we typically try to identify the culprit and then attempt to convince, coerce or control that person to change their behavior. We attempt to restore our peace by changing them. Unfortunately, that only perpetuates a cycle of conflict.

The belief that another is at fault and should change or be punished is the mindset that is the root cause of all violence. Finding evidence of someone’s “wrongness” alienates us from them and blinds us to beneficial solutions. Learning to resolve conflict without resorting to violence in thought, word or deed is possible when we master essential communication techniques that honor both parties, even in the midst of a heated disagreement.

All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg

One man who has worked tirelessly to advance peaceful communication skills is psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. He is responsible for developing Non-Violent Communication (NVC), also known as Compassionate Communication. His method is simple and can be effectively implemented in any conflicted situation. He asserts that our ways of communicating can be classified as either life enriching or life alienating, depending on whether our words evoke compassion or violence. 

In a dispute, the words we use will determine whether a conflict ends in a win-win solution or an unwinnable battle of blame. Life-enriching communication unites people behind a mutual goal while life-alienating communication is divisive. What may sound to our ears like a factual assessment of a situation can sound like criticism to another person’s ears. If we react to others using words that imply guilt, humiliation, shame, blame, coercion or threats, we guarantee that our forcefulness will be met with an equal and opposite reactive force. When someone feels threatened, defense and counterattack are a natural and even logical reaction. 

When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior.

Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.

~ Marshall B. Rosenberg

The major premise of NVC or Compassionate Communication, is that conflict arises between two or more people when someone in the equation has needs that are not being met. In most conflicts, these issues never get addressed, despite the fact that unmet needs are the root cause of why we become unhappy with others. Instead of identifying everyone’s feelings and needs and working toward getting everyone’s needs met, the parties begin a battle of blame, which is as soul crushing as it is unwinnable. Acknowledging authentic needs and feelings is the key to solving a problem agreeably, yet such vulnerability is often the first casualty in a war of words.

Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.

I believe life-alienating communication is rooted in views of human nature that have exerted their influence for several centuries. These views stress humans’ innate evil and deficiency, and a need for education to control our inherently undesirable nature. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg

When a baby cries, we pay attention. We reflexively investigate the possible cause of her distress and move swiftly to meet her needs. We don’t judge her as “needy” or “hypersensitive” or “defective.”  But by the time we’ve reached adulthood, the honest expression of feelings and needs somehow becomes taboo. Over time, most of us have learned to disguise our true feelings and attempt to get our needs met in secret ways. When our needs or feelings are ignored, and we feel pain or disappointment, we tend to hyperfocus on determining levels of “wrongness” rather than on determining what we need and are not getting.

All criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message.

The more we practice in this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we've allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg

It is easy to become detached from empathy when we are attempting to get our way, especially when we’re angry. But when we get our way through fear, guilt, shame, or coercion, we are just as likely to suffer as those who give in to our will.

Boosting Needs and Feelings Literacy

Implementing compassionate communication begins with observing a situation without evaluating it. By neutrally describing what you observe to another, you remove the judgments that may cause them to react defensively.

The second aspect of NVC is to express what you feel in relation to what you observe.

The third aspect is an honest expression of what you need or value that evokes those feelings, and finally, a request (not a demand) for the concrete actions you would like taken by the other party.

NVC is a simple method of communication that can improve every relationship. It may feel awkward speaking this way at first because we’ve been ingrained with battle language. Over time, practicing it reorients how you think about situations, allowing you to adopt a more peaceful mindset.

Below I’ve copied resources that can help you practice the “language of life.” By transforming old patterns of defensiveness and aggressiveness into compassion and empathy, you will improve all of your relationships.

If you’re intensely struggling with conflict or the limiting effects of unresolved trauma, you don’t need to figure it out alone--contact me. Your first call is on me. If you’re ready to resolve the complex conflicts that are stealing your peace, make time for a weekly appointment to give yourself the gift of ongoing, unconditional support. 

Life Enriching Communication Model

The basic model for NVC is really quite straightforward and simple. It is a process that combines four components with two parts. While the four components are specific ideas and actions that fit into the form and the model of NVC, the two parts provide a solid foundation for NVC as well as for living nonviolently. They are the basis for Marshall’s ideas of giving and receiving from the heart:

Four Components of the NVC Process

1. Observation: Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there. When we observe, we offer data, not interpretation.

2. Feeling: When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts and expectations is an essential step to the NVC process.

3. Needs: All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.

4. Request: To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

Two Attitudes of the NVC Process

1. Empathy: Receiving from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.

2. Honesty: Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.

Whenever someone else appears to be an obstacle to your happiness, and you’re tempted to blame or punish, pause. Welcome it as an opportunity to get in touch with your authentic needs and find ways to express those needs in compassionate ways.

The Prayer of the Courageous: Bless them. Change me.

Below is the communication template that can improve all of your relationships. Mentally fill in the blanks whenever you’re tempted to blame or punish someone. Rehearse it in your head until it feels natural before communicating with someone. Over time, you will show yourself how well it works, and it will gradually overwrite the “battle language” we were all raised with that keeps conflict alive.

When I see that______________

I feel ______________

because my need for ________________ is/is not met.

Would you be willing to __________________?

a chart that can help you learn to use NVC